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vulnerability

what can i do, now that her touch is gone

gentle, soft fingers between mine

taken away from me, replaced with air

and the lingering warmth where her knuckled should be

.

the eyes that refracted the sunlight into brown mirages

now can only stare colorlessly into mine

in discomfort, distress, disgust, and worst of all, apathy

that she escaped, but i am left to drown

.

do i still show up in her thoughts? floating in her mind

does she dream of me still, or wake up and think of me

like how i do, and with a searing pain in the chest?

or was i just an experience, a try at love but love sacrifical

perhaps too much so, but isn't that what love is?

.

i would search every classroom for her, split every atom,

examine every crevice in this universe to find a smidgeon of her.

but the girl i am looking for is gone, except for a cavity in my chest

a ___-shaped hole that leaks and bleeds of the love i have

.

i'm supposed to say "i wish you the best", but the truth is

i wish that every time you pass ___ your heart drops, thinking i'm there

and that every flower on campus reminds you of the bouquet i made

and your bed feeling empty as memories of us lying skin-to-skin play back

until you cry like i did, until your face aches of sobbing like mine

.

but even after the pain, the heartache, and the frustration

i still love you.

i would rather start over, and do this all over again

than need to replace you with another

it's not rational, but what is? it's not healthy, but your in no position

to criticize my health when you killed me

.

but i still love you, to the ends of the earth and back

until my sinews snap, or my vocal cords fry, or my heart stops.

i will scream of how much i love you

i am waiting, perhaps hopelessly, for the day we reunite

and i can say "welcome back, ___"

that day could be tomorrow, next week, next quarter, next year

years down the line, or even decades

or more realistically, when we meet again in Heaven

.

we may love each other again, or love others who love us back

in ways God saw as better, but even then i ask: "why not now?"

right when i needed love most, it was taken away

my friends are tired of hearing it, and my family is exasperated

the time i needed you by my side most is when you left my side.

.

"could i love my killer" is the question for me

"how much would you give up for love" is the question for you

could i betray my thoughts, family, ad friends to love my killer

unfortunately, my answer is yes

will you give up what you want to love again?

you can answer that